JORNAL ENTRIES
4/10/25 I’ll be honest I’ve always wanted a chosen family. Through this journey of self-discovery and growth, I’ve realized I haven’t been lucky enough to have best friends who are truly close to me. Friends who could reach my heart and touch it. And if I ever did have that, I must have lost it and I regret it instantly. There’s a disconnect I fear, one rooted in my experiences with people. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been searching for my chosen family. All I’ve really wanted is to grow as a person — to give this life meaning, filled with memories and love. Deep down, I’ve always longed for acceptance.because too often people refuse to see me for who I am. They either ignore who I’ve become, or they cling to the version of me that no longer exists. That version is gone. Rest in peace. I’m constantly evolving and constantly having to remind people of that. It’s exhausting. I haven’t let people in (on purpose). They use me, throw me away like a gum wrapper and somehow, I’m recyclable. That’s why I’m selfish. That’s why I keep people at arm’s length. I’m scared they’ll take pieces of me, like others have already stolen from me. And yet, here I am… longing for community. But maybe I was meant to be alone. Maybe I’m supposed to sit with myself and drown in the mystery of who I am. I’m writing a song — deep in this creative space because of all these feelings. So now I ask myself: Am I meant to be like this?
3/24/25 I’ve been forgetting things more than usual, and I don’t think it’s old age I think it’s the lack of routine. I feel off, tense, and, honestly, afraid. Afraid for my friends, for my family.I’m not from here, and good people—regular, hardworking people with families are getting deported. I no longer hold a green card, but I see how some people lack empathy for those seeking asylum or simply a better life.Today wasn’t the best for me. On my way to work, I saw a girl crying on the bus. I got up before her, stood in front of her to be discreet and told her, It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be ok. Now I’m on the train, writing my thoughts holding back tears like heavy bags of water in my arms. I wonder how much longer I can carry them before they burst. I am not from here, but today, something small brought me back home. My friends and I talked about it through text TIME TRAVEL! how one piece of sugarcane, one bite of that sweetness, gave me a moment of life, of nostalgia, of time travel. For two minutes, that simple treat took me back to my island. My coworker will never know much that helped me today..
3/19/25 note I rather be wrong than unwilling I rather be in a conversation where I think I’m resolving a conflict but I find out that I’m wrong. I rather be wrong because at least I made space for that conversation. I made space for a learning experience. I made space to hear someone out. I made space for growth. I made space to hold myself accountable. Unwillingness is just conflict avoidance (inspired by a vid i saw idk)
2/20/25 notes So, I got into an accident recently, which meant relying on public transportation to get around. At first, I was really frustrated with myself angry, even. But then, I decided to shift my perspective. Instead of dwelling on the inconvenience, I started asking myself: What can I learn from this experience? Every day, I’ve been taking a two-hour bus ride home from work, and strangely enough, time seems to be flying by. It got me thinking—what even is time? One random search led to another, and before I knew it, I was diving into the origins of time itself, questioning who (or what) created it. Somehow, I even ended up tangled in the mysteries of physics, like little cracks forming in my brain, letting in all these bizarre but fascinating ideas. Funny how a simple change in routine can shift your whole perspective.